Dear Men of Online Dating Apps,
I recently returned to the fold after a four month vacay during which I crashed and burned a budding relationship until its charred remains resembled the detritus at the back of my oven.
But enough about my failings, this is about you.
Newly single and back on the app, I’m experiencing deja vu as I find myself scrolling past the same faces I saw last time I was husband hunting. I mean dating. Whatever.
What are you all still doing here? Why are you all still single? Well actually, I can tell you.
And I am doing this out of kindness, because you’re probably nice men, but you’re shit at using a dating app, so starting with your photos, here’s what you’re doing wrong:
Manspreading in Lycra shorts
Guys, no one wants a preview of your ballsack bound in snug, shiny fabric. Frankly, I don’t want to see you in Lycra from any angle (sorry cyclists) but sitting with your knees apart at 160 degrees is especially unsavoury.
Are you aware that manspreading is about as popular as getting dog poo on your shoe? There’s an odds-on chance that if you do this on the tube, you’ll be photographed and publicly shamed, and everyone on Twitter will hate you.
If you have persuaded a lovely woman to date you, she’ll be embarrassed that she’s seeing The Spreader.
One of the guys exhibiting his meat and two veg on an app has a senior position at a well-known bank. I know this because he’s put his job title and the company he works for in his bio.
Mate, people you work with can see your junk. You’re potentially sabotaging not only your love life, but also your career, so delete the Lycra encased genital displays.
Once I’ve fallen for you, I will look lovingly at your sweaty pink face and arms that haven’t seen enough of the gym – and I shall believe you’re the most handsome man in the world.
But we’re talking first impressions here, and at this stage, I am not wildly drawn to doughy bodies with shiny skin the shade of Spam.
We don’t all photograph well, and that’s ok – you’re not applying for a modelling job. But for the love of God, unless you’re Vin Diesel doing something testosterone fuelled beneath the bonnet of a car, don’t upload any pictures where you’re sweating in a sleeveless top.
In other words: no Marathon photos.
Post pictures where you’re wearing a lovely cashmere Boyfriend Jumper, or a well ironed shirt, with the sleeves rolled up and f*** yeah, I’ll want to undo the rest of the buttons myself. But do not, I repeat DO NOT, post pictures of yourself perspiring in a vest.
Look guys, seriously, can you please keep your clothes on? Some of you are fit, yes. You could probably model underpants, or iron things on your abs. Well done.
The thing is, I don’t want to see you naked unless I like you. And if I like you, it really doesn’t matter if you have a torso that sells pants – I’d rather have a boyfriend who isn’t in the gym every night anyway.
And yeah, we all go to the beach, so I can possibly excuse one shot where you’re emerging from the sea a la Daniel Craig, but if you’ve posted seven selfies in changing room mirrors, with a towel wrapped around your waist, as you visibly strain to tense your pectorals then you need to reassess your profile pictures.
FYI tensing your pecs looks weird.
Fancy dress disasters
What is with the green curly wigs, The Joker face paint and the jail bird stripy lounge suits? These photos might have got the thumbs up on Facebook from fellow stag-do funsters tanked up on Jagermeister, but this is a dating app and I want to know how you’d look if I took you to a wedding as my plus-one.
I need your photos to reflect your wardrobe, so I can be bloody certain you don’t own anything objectionable, like a short sleeved shirt, that could cause my vagina to weld itself shut.
Memes, sports cars and stallions in lieu of you
You may feel you’re well represented by pictures of a white, sandy Bajan beach, and a meme about some bollocks, but I’m not merging my genes with a few grains of sand, or a Lamborghini.
I need to see what you look like so I know whether I want to make babies with you. My biological instincts to reproduce are not triggered by snapshots of the Grand Canyon so post a picture of your face.
If you’re worried about your colleagues knowing you’re online dating, rest assured they’re doing it too.
Perfect pictures… but no bio
Ok, so you’re in a dark blue Saville Row suit, with a white Turnbull & Asser Herringbone Sea Island shirt, sitting on a Chesterfield sofa, drinking an Old Fashioned from a lead crystal tumbler. But you don’t have a bio.
Guys, it doesn’t matter how good your photos are (and usually they’re not that good) if you can’t be bothered to write a bio. I’m not sure how hot you think you are, but a profile without a bio is like you’re saying, ‘have you seen me? No words needed!’
No mate, you’re not David Gandy. You’re not even David Brent. Write something.
I hope this helps! I’ll look forward to seeing far better photos.
P.S. pictures with your arm around an attractive woman won’t make attractive women want you. Avoid.